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Is it bad that I believe "they" are coming? I do believe the videos and information my friend sent me to be true. I've thought about it and it's helped me to not cut.
Why would it be too hard to believe about Nibiru? The ancients believed in it and even throughout almost every society they tell of an alien race coming to Earth and mating with the people here.
I think that's what 2012 is about. It's not the end of the world. It's going to be the arrival of something else.
Looks like the next few years we will find out who is right, who is wrong, and who was just ignorant altogether. If it's really going to happen and Nibiru is going to cross between Saturn and Jupiter, within the next two years we should be able to see it.
What I don't get is why are governments preparing for the arrival of beings from Nibiru if they aren't supposed to be coming? Or they don't know about it?
I have to question, why is Nibiru considered the 12th planet? Everything I've watched, listened, and read have said it's the 12th planet. That confuses me...
I've always been researching about the contact the government has had with extraterrestrials. Did anyone know about them making contact with us in 1974? The fact that no one knows scares me, whether it could be a hoax or not.
My dad believed that something was going to happen in 2012. I remember the conversations. We both didn't believe we just evolved like they claim. We don't believe in the bible theory or divine intervention of a god.
But maybe those from Nibiru were the gods.
You know what I find funny right now. I'm okay with extraterrestrials coming to our planet, but I'm not okay with going to see friends or family. Haha! Great, huh?
Gotta wonder who is going to think I'm crazy for posting this in my journal? I'm half tempted to post something about it in the forum but I'm way too chickenshit to do so.
I don't wanna go! I don't wanna go! I don't wanna go! I just don't wanna!
Shit, I can't... Brett just didn't leave the carseat! Woot!
Thank you forgetful Brett Brett.
I wonder if my mom realizes that her forcing me out at times is making things worse for me. Brett doesn't even force me to go out and he gets me out more because of it. I mean, I hate to go out... but I want to go out... therefore, I do go out when I think I can handle it.
I don't like when she does this. I really don't.
I don't like being around family right now. The only one that I willingly go and see is my aunt who I got on here.
Everyone else really just doesn't exist in my world right now... I deal with my mom, her husband, my grandma, and my daddy's kitty cat.
That's it. I want to deal with Tyler. Hell, if I could, I would take custody of Tyler. If it comes down to it... mom might get it because Tim already said if something happens, he doesn't mind Tyler being up here.
I've made a decision about today. This morning until about 3:30 p.m. I'm going to concentrate on cleaning and playing Travian.
After that, it's therapy at 5 p.m. until probably about 6 or 6:30 p.m.
But when we get home from there... I'm planning on having Brett clean some for me and I'm going to pack a little bit, while relaxing (doesn't make sense, I know) and also writing out a list of the things I want and the rewards I want to get.
I'm going to take that list, along with two other lists (one about ways not to cut that a friend sent me and another of my own personal ways to avoid it), to my therapist on Thursday. That way I have a couple of days to get things together.
I'm also thinking about calling the apartment complex since we know from someone on the next block that there's an apartment up there that's currently open.
I have physical therapy later today at five o'clock. I'm not looking forward to it but I'm not going to miss this one. I can't. I want to make every single one of my appointments this week. That's my goal. My reward will be a splurge... something yummy. I think I might be getting a sub from Subway loaded in ranch!
I have psychical therapy today, Wednesday, and Friday. I have regular therapy with my therapist one Thursday.
I'm pretty sure there are no more appointments that I have this week. I'm going to go over appointment cards to make sure.
My life has become the internet. I rarely go elsewhere. I want to but I'm the one limiting myself. Or at least I see it that way. I don't know how to explain this whole situation to anyone.
How does one explain something they feel so strongly but can't even pinpoint why they feel that way?
I had a really horrible morning yesterday. I got about 45 minutes of sleep. I woke up and dealt with Aurora until about a little after five in the morning. It became silent. I thought way too much. I'm pathetic in what I did before the shower. I hurt from it a lot. But no one can tell because no one can see what I do on the inside. And then I took a shower... I ended up washing my hair a total of nine times that I remember and scrubbing my body until it burned. I actually scratched it in a couple of places. I tried breaking a razor and dropped it down the drain. I broke. I started yelling at myself and convinced myself to get out. I woke Brett up crying and shaking... soaked and wet and all red. It startled him but I guess it would me to. I ended up taking something to calm my nerves some and fell asleep until some time after one in the afternoon. I needed it. I wish I could have slept longer though.
After that, I just felt out of it. I think it was because of how drained I was emotionally.
I need to stop all of this. I don't need to cut. Yet, I contradict myself in thinking about what the harm of it is. As I've said before, I don't really see the harm in it since I usually don't do it badly. I mean, hell, it would probably make me a little bit better right now.
Oh and sometime yesterday, I wrote a journal entry about the night before. It was about the dream I had. Maybe I should write it in my dream section instead though. I don't know.
It was about vampires though!
:-)
But for now, I'm going to watch a movie and enjoy a little quite time while Aurora takes her morning nap. After that, I'm going to be cleaning and taking care of her. I still have to wash clothes since I need my bathing suit and huge towel for therapy today. Thank god, it's not until five...
I just had Brett call Courtney for me. I realize how stupid it sounds that I'm scared to pick up the phone when someone calls or even dial a phone number out. I couldn't talk to my aunt yesterday. I couldn't pick up to Ryan the last time he called. I haven't been able to talk to Jack Jack on the phone for a while.
There were 25 messages on the phone today. Most of them from MY friends that I can't even pick up the phone to talk to.
What's wrong with me?!
She's going to get on MySpace now to try and get me to talk to her. I love her insanely. Why can't I just talk?
I don't understand how this could be happening to me or how it could happen to anyone.
On the 2nd, I'm going to talk to my therapist about how long it's going to take to get me into see a psychiatrist. Depending on her answer, I'm going to ask her if she thinks salvia would help me until I can get on proper medication for everything going on. But from what I've researched and everything, it might be able to help with my nervousness and help me get out around people. If it can do that, it's worth a shot! Damn it! At least it's legal in Ohio still even though they have tried to ban it. I wonder why it hasn't been banned here yet though. I think the higher ones should be banned, but I don't see anything wrong with the 5x, 10x, or even the 15x. It's the 20x and 40x that make me wonder. But Brett said he would even measure it and roll it up for me. That way it's controlled on how much I smoke. It's effects only last for a little while. I talked to my mom about it but she really didn't say anything in return. At least I'm not turning to illegal substances to try to get rid of the scared feelings. I'm really tempted to. I don't think I've ever been this tempted. Maybe that's why I'm considering to try out salvia. On the site I found where I can buy it, they sell it wholesale...
My question is...
Who in the hell would pay out $20,140.00 for 1 Kilogram of 40x salvia?
I think if I try it out, I'm only going to do the 5x to at least see it's effects. I know I need something...
And kind off subject but kind of not, I had a really bad evening and night. I started to freak out in public. I can't even really tell anyone why.
Oh and I remembered to write out the information for Joe about the Overeaters Anonymous workshop on the 18th. He's been getting on Brett about it because he didn't remember to ask me for it.
Also I got to start up my Travian game again since the server ended two days ago. I had lost interest in it at the end. I swear it was nothing like I thought it would be and therefore, I think I just left it. I wanted a battle and none, I repeat none, of my villages or Brett's were attacked by anyone. Naders, other players... anyone. That was disappointing!
Brett's letting me get out of my physical therapy this morning if I want to. I really don't want to go out. It became really hard to go outside with him before we went to sleep.
I'm supposed to be up in less than an hour and a half. Looks like I might as well stay up...
hi hunny. I really dont mind the salvia, its fairly inexpensive for what we are wanting it for... We just ahve to give the information to the therapist so that she has ALL the info from it, not just the media hype... And you're a meanie for making me wake up....lol, I love you
The Picture Whore Might be Returning!
08:09 Sep 25 2008 Times Read: 1,004
Tonight has been something else. I've started taking pictures again. I think I'm ugly in most of them but I did get one really good shot of me.
Brett took it... that still counts right?
It's of me undoing my pants though! LOL!
Wow, trying to be sexy and pretty while depressed is really a task that's not easy to do but it did cheer me up some.
Today, I'm cleaning and tearing this place up trying to find my other camera so I can take more and better pictures! Damn it!
YAY!!! I miss the picture whore, the picture whore is always in a good mood.... And a Tiffy always puts alot of emotions in the pictures, a Tiffy plays with the camera well
I Feel Like I'm Going Insane!
06:59 Sep 24 2008 Times Read: 1,018
Another night of me not being able to sleep. I don't want to dream. I think that's a big part of me staying up until I can't anymore. Aurora's still awake and fussing up a storm. Brett's asleep and so I'm left to deal with my own damn thoughts.
I hate when he can sleep but I can't.
I'm trying to stay busy. I'm attempting to read Nights in Rodanthe by Nicholas Sparks since it's a shorter book then most I've been wanting to read. I've been failing at finishing a book for the longest time. I lose interest fast. I don't know why or what it is. I'm just trying to discover my love of reading again.
I'm thinking of finding a movie to watch. A horror movie usually keeps my attention until I fall asleep, even the horribly made ones that you have to laugh because everything is fake keep my attention.
Brett called Chris for me tonight to ask how Shadow is doing. She's doing okay and sticking around their house. She's not getting too close to them but she's coming for the food. If we have the gas and the time, we're going to see her this weekend. That cheers me up a lot. I really miss her and I can't get Cali Cat to come around for me to talk to and things.
Ryan called here a little while ago and left a message. I got the phone but couldn't bring myself to answer while he was leaving a message on the answering machine. I started crying because of it. I tried waking Brett up but yeah, he's not waking up. I'm eating cheerios one by one again. I don't know whether it's helping or making my frustration with myself worse.
Oh and the Overeaters workshop that's on the 18th... my mom's thinking of going with me and Brett. She's trying to understand what's going on with me yet at the same time is still getting to me because of comments she will make here and there.
I don't want to be diagnosed with everything they're wanting to look into. I'm scared of it all being on paper. My mom always said since I came out as a cutter...
"What do you think you're doing, Tiffany Rose? Do you want people to think you're mental? It will effect your life, what college you get into, what people think of you, and everything else in your life. Do you really want that?"
I keep hearing it over and over again in my head. The only reason I started seeing a therapist in the first place during my last two years of high school was because of my daddy. Him and my mom had a fight about me and not my sister for once.
I hate to tell my mother, I can't care what it's going to effect in my life. I can't live like this. I need on some kind of medication and I'm willing to admit that. I want to get better. I want to live and not freak out about the littlest of shit anymore. I hate myself right now. I hate how far I've come. I hate this. Right now I want to go, get in the car and just drive. I want to find somewhere that's still open and full of people and just get lost in talking to them. Yet, I've gotten the keys twice. I've gone to the door and opened it up. I've gone to step out and I start sweating. I start getting light headed. I start crying.
I just want to be me!
If I didn't have Brett or Aurora, I would have probably already given up on going out. I only go somewhere when it's needed. I go to physical therapy at least once a week, supposed to be three times a week. For the past two weeks, it's only been once. I beg and cry and make Brett call and cancel it for me. Starting next week, I'm going to be seeing my therapist, Nancy once a week, every week. She usually see her patients only once every two weeks but is making an exception for me. Nice of her, huh?
I'm trying to stay positive about going to see her. I want to get better. I need help in doing so. The therapist and psychiatrist are the people to see, right? That's how I'm basically looking at it.
I still haven't called Courtney to tell her about my weekend. I kind of got worse and couldn't call anyone. Brett stayed home on Monday just to get me in to see someone because he didn't want to leave me alone.
I want to be better.
This isn't living. It's existing. It's being a shell. It's a waste of my life. Hell, it's a waste of air.
What makes me feel even worse is the friends that I do talk to and people I do actually come into contact with on an almost regular basis because I go with Brett or to the doctor's and things...
They noticed I was getting worse before the weekend. They noticed. And yet, EVERYONE kept their mouth shut. No one cares to even try to help me that's close to me or sees me. I guess they're waiting for me to blow my brains out and then regret not saying something. Great friends!
It just makes me question everything all the more...
Brett's up. I'm going to let him read this and talk to him. I need it.
All I am ready to leave on here right now hun because I am still half alseep is that we will get through this, fuck anything anyone in your family says, they wont know... We are going to get back on our feet and then we are getting the flying fuck out of the area, if its with AT&T or with Dell, I dont really care, we are gone....
Even if you were in a big giant puddle you would ot be a waste of space... And I WANT CUDDLES!!! We need to find your release, the Salivia ma just be the catalyst that we need to jumpstart yhou back to normalcy because its really not that powerful until you some a craplode of it....
You are the only one out of the family that understands my way of Spiritual thinking and other things. Many times, and not talking about Brett, would rather stay in denial of others then facing what is going on. There is a Paranormal team that I am sure you & yours would enjoy. I have learnt I am me, and I will not change to suit others. You are blessed with a wonderful man and a beautiful baby.
Today was Something Else
01:21 Sep 23 2008 Times Read: 1,035
The appointment was with the therapist. I really like her even though the whole hour I was shaking insanely and she had to remind me to calm down and everything.
She's talking about me possibly being diagnosed with bi-polar, OCD, social phobia, and agoraphobia.
Along with my depression and anxiety that I've been diagnosed with back in '05.
I'm going to see her every week. And she's making sure the guy that did my assessment referred my file to a psychiatrist. She's wanting to get me into the habit of going out to see her though, just like she doesn't want me missing anymore appointments for my psychical therapy.
Oh and I went in with Brett to his work today to pick up his check. Today was the first day I freaked when someone went to shake my hand. I don't know whether it's from me being paranoid or from everything that's happened today and my nerves being shot because of it.
The guy was his past manager named Joe. He was a mental health student before and has one semester to go. He wants to do his papers and things on me. He would come to my place once we get into the other apartment where I feel comfortable at and interview me. I don't know but I am kind of thinking about it.
Another thing I did today was copy down the information for an Overeaters Anonymous workshop. If I can actually build up the courage to go, Brett's going to go with me and Joe wants the information too so he can go also. I really want to go. I can't keep eating until I puke. I want help now just convincing myself to go and get it.
I'm going to get off of here and see if my mommy's awake yet on the other side of the duplex. That way I can tell her what's going on.
They called here earlier and I called them back at 1:30 p.m. today. I'm getting in to see someone at 3 o'clock today. I'm nervous as hell and don't even know whether it's a therapist or psychiatrist.
I don't care. Now that I have to go, I want to hide. I wish I could pet a Shadow kitty. *sniffles* I miss her lots. It's weird not having a black furball running across the street to my porch.
I have my physical therapy at 5 o'clock after this appointment. Nice, huh? My exercises should be upped today. I'm going to be a little sore and probably skip out on my night braces later on.
I got out and went to my aunt's house. We got to get rid of our kitty because someone tried to get her into a car last night and a neighbor stopped them. Plus the neighbors found two dead kitties in the alley behind us that were poisoned. We took her to a friend's house that's a good 30 minutes away. I miss her lots. We're so getting her back when we have the money.
I got a hot shower, a really hot one. I've scratched. I've thought about cutting but didn't. I need to find my permanent markers to draw a butterfly on me.
Brett's thinking of staying home from work tomorrow so we can get everything packed up to move. I'm so hoping it doesn't take long to get into the apartment complex. I can't take this being paranoid of being overheard, nagged about the rent when he knows we're not even making our own bills, and the constant criticizing me every time I show my face over there.
We're still without a kitchen but we can use their's when we absolutely need to. I was going to cook the past two days and got too paranoid and started freaking out too much to go over. I've stopped eating for the most part. I don't feel hungry. Or worse, I feel hungry for no reason and can't stop eating. I don't know what's going on with me.
I still don't want to exist but at least the feeling isn't so apparent anymore.
We found out yesterday that about one month after I had Aurora and we moved, Dell hired back almost all of their employees that they laid off. If we would have stayed one month longer, we wouldn't be in all this shit now. It's my fault. It really is. Why did I have to convince Brett to come up here? I hate myself for it.
Now we're calling in favors, trying to get enough money to get caught up on bills and hoping our credit is good enough to get into the apartment complex we're trying to get into. I don't know if it is.
I just want some kind of break. Something that gets us back on our feet. Something that doesn't have to be repaid back. I'm tired of always getting the damn smack in the face.
They think we don't know about real life? We made it in Nashville for a year. I saw more then either of them probably have. I experienced a lot more in my life then I should have. And now when I need a break the most, I can't even find the littlest of one.
I hate not knowing what's going to happen next. I hate the unknown. I really do. Even when I know, or think I know what's going to happen next, I still worry.
Brett saw me happier there for a little while. Him and I were talking about us and working through our problems. We were doing better. And then something happened and we have lost most of it.
I feel angry for no reason. I'm getting sudden mood changes again. I can't sleep. I don't want to eat. And when I do, I overeat until I puke. I don't want touches, or I want a mass amount of touches, teases, and sex. I'm sending mixed signals to him and I don't like it. I always complained because he would send me mixed signals and now I'm doing it.
Nothing I've said the past month to him was a lie. Nothing I've said to anyone has been a lie. I'm an open book if you ask the right questions and/or find me in the right mood. I hate being overheard, especially on certain things going on between us. I didn't lie but I held some things back when questions were asked by my family. They don't need to know everything. Hell, they will probably overhear it sooner or later.
There is a reason why I want out.
I'm scared of being trapped and being alone, yet I force myself into both every damn day. Why? I don't know. I feel safer I can say that much.
If we get up to Jaycee, I can work on me.
I'll be able to talk to Brett without the fear of being overheard or being lectured later about something I said thinking we were alone. I'll be able to sleep in a little bit later. I'll be able to take naps and cook meals that are yummyness. I'll be able to have sex with Brett without worrying whether anyone is home on the other side. I'll be able to have my friends over without worrying about a racist comment coming out of someone else's mouth. I'll be able to wear MY makeup. I'll be able to dress in MY clothes and how I want to wear them. I'll be able to hopefully get used to people coming to my place again... or at least somewhat used to it. Then start playing Dungeons and Dragons again. I miss it.
I want my freedoms back. I'm 21 years old and I'm getting lectured on everything I do. I can't take it anymore.
I want to get approved. I want it now. Now! Now! Now!
Number nine.
It isn't that long of a list.
They have to wait for word back from the Social Security office, our case worker, Brett's work, unemployment agencies, and other places.
It will work out. It has to. I'm hoping before the end of this month it does. That's only eleven days though. I'll probably call again in the middle of next week or something.
I'm disappointed and worried. We're still number nine on the waiting list for the apartments. I want to get in as fast as possible. Next month is coming up fast and I have no clue how we're going to be making bills. I still have to pay the phone bill from this month.
I'm still packing things up. I'm still stressing that it all needs to get done no matter what happens. That way we're ready to move as soon as they call. That way I have the hope of getting away and the hope of things getting better.
It's nice right now. No one is here but the baby, me, and the Nala cat. It's quiet. It's peaceful. There's no drama here. There's no stress other then that of cleaning and packing, especially since Aurora is still napping.
But there's no chance of being overheard!
I like that being said. Since everyone is gone on both sides and the baby's asleep, I'm working my butt off.
I'm actually planning on washing her bottles myself even though I'm not going to be able to stand long after that. I also got to change the fishy too. So yeppers...
I have at least one more load of clothes to get done. Two couches to clean off. More baby clothes to go through to see what she can and can't wear. (What she can't wear is going to be taken to a place where we can get credit for it so we can get her more clothes, consignment shops rock!) I have to vacuum the living room floor and sweep the dining room's.
All this hopefully before the end of today. Brett will be home at like six or eight o'clock... if he can stay that long. It depends on whether he gets the sales or not.
Wow, I have too much to do to be online. LOL! At least it's keeping my mind off of wanting to cut for now. I'm hoping I don't feel overwhelmed at any point of today. I'm feeling kind of better. I don't know. The prospect of a good sleep tonight is compelling!
After going for a little bit of a walk with a friend, I came home to a nice little conversation that happened while I was gone.
russell : I would like you to stop emialing tommy. please.
russell : its causing us problems and i dont like it. He promised to stop please just leave him alone
russell : did you tell him you love him?
Tiffany: This is Brett... why does it matter what she said to anyone, I don't care
russell : i care because he is my husband
russell : but like i said please have her leave him alone
Tiffany: and I'm engaged to her. I really don't care because yeah, it's her life and her emotions. As long as she doesn't lie, I really don't care.
russell : well look jerk she needs to leave him alone i will be talking to his command to block her emails what he is doing is against the law in the military just go away
Tiffany: and what exactly is he doing?
Tiffany: Last time I checked it wasn't against the law or military law to have a conversation with someone. And how the hell am I a jerk...
Tiffany: What exactly is he doing?
russell : i asked you to eave me alone
Tiffany: You said something that confused me. I asked a question to clear it up.
russell : and i aked you to go away nicely
Tiffany: Then don't ever message us again. Either me or Tiffany about anything at all. We're tired of the lies and the mind games that you play. As for the whole Tommy thing IF he IS talking to her then that's up to them. I'm not going to put her on a leash. Goodbye.
russell : I dont like them talking, I dont like that she is still in love with him, i dont like the lying he does to me when he
russell : talks to her.
russell : I didnt mind them talking but when tellls me he hates her and then he tells me wants to start talking to her on the phone and lying about it i dont like it.
russell : I am glad you trust her but i cant fucking trust him and i am tiered of it.
Tiffany: That's not my problem and it's honestly not her's. And if she has any feelings for him, that's none of your business. You don't own him.
Tiffany: Just like I don't own her.
russell : can you answer me just one question?
Tiffany: sure
russell : when did they start talking and are they still?
russell : sorry that was two.
Tiffany: honestly, I don't know and I don't care.
Tiffany: It's not my business
russell : look dude i just wanna know we are going threw a seperatiuon and i could just use the info for liable cause of not wanting to be with him because he wont sign the paper.
russell : but oh well whatever,
Tiffany: There are ways around his signature if you really wanted to so I really don't want to put my nose where it doesn't belong. It's between you and him, not her and you or him and her, or any combination of the above
russell : whatever i came to her, i was honest thats all i was asking in return. but ya know what bye
Tiffany: I am being honest. I don't know what's going on.
russell : yeah, fine.
russell : i dont care,
Tiffany: Look if you and him are on the rocks, stop pointing fingers and look within the relationship, not into mine.
russell : fuck off your wife what the fuck ever cant leave him alone and he cant leave her alone they are still in love you dumb ass gfood bye leave me alone and go to hellpo
Okay, look Britany. I know you still stalk my Vampire Rave journal. You can't deny it and so I know you will probably read this.
It's none of your business who I talk to or when I talk to them. If someone messages, odds are I'm going to message them back. Stop blaming other people for your failing marriage with Tommy. It's his decision if he talks to me or not. You have no say in it. It's not against the military law or whatever to talk to someone! And if you try to sell me bullshit, I'll just laugh at you being so pathetic! I'm tired of being brought into the fights and being accused of things just because I'm his ex-girlfriend! If he isn't happy with you, then yeah he's going to look for other places to seek happiness. And you have to think about it, what are you doing so wrong? And if you look, I'm quite happy where I am with Brett. We're working through things, I guess that's something you and Tommy can't do.
I may have problems out the ass, but you know what...
I'm supposed to be the paranoid one!
Him and I broke up over two years ago, stop looking to the past to blame.
The company is back. Aurora is awake. My Grandma has her and now I'm hiding. I don't want to see them. I don't care to talk. I just want to be left alone. It's amazing how much I'm scared of being alone but I would rather be alone then around most people.
I just want them to leave! Why won't they leave already? Damn it! I don't wanna be around people, can't everyone just respect that?
I don't wanna go over there. Get them out of here already, mom! I so don't wanna wake Aurora up just to see them. She's napping and there's no damn reason for me to come over and see them without her.
Just getting caught up on your recent journal entries, Tiffany. You seem to have a lot going on - both bad and good - but I admire the way you've been able to handle things. Best wishes, as always.
Getting a New Apartment Update
16:50 Sep 16 2008 Times Read: 1,120
So we had to go get a copy of my birth certificate since we couldn't find the original yesterday. But we got the application handed in today. Brett just left for work and I'm going on a packing spree because we need it.
There were ten people on the list when we got the application on Thursday last week. Today when we handed it in... there were only EIGHT!
That means we're #9 in line. Woohoo! I can't wait.
A Tiffy is going to pack. I might check in, but I don't know. I don't want to get caught up in conversations with people, even though that sounds bad.
My YIM will be up if someone needs to talk to me send me a message.
I'm deciding something right now. When we get into the new apartment, since I doubt we will be denied, I'm going to get back on track.
I want to lose the weight I gained. I really do. It will be better for me. My medical problems are getting worse. My self-image, self-esteem, and depression are all effected by it, along with my anxiety of panicking about what people think every time someone sees me.
I want to get down to 190 pounds for now. But in the end, I want my end Nashville weight back. I was 172-175 pounds when the pregnancy test read positive for Aurora. But my ultimate goal is the average for my height and age, which is 160 pounds.
I want to eat better. I want to be better. I want to start reading again. I want to find the time to do my makeup again and to make myself feel better. I want to take time for me. I want to play video games. I want to be able to write when I can. I want to work out a schedule of sorts so the cleaning doesn't pile up to an overwhelming amount.
You know what I want the most?
I want to be me! I want to be a Tiffy!
Not some shell that is scared of everything and anything! I hate being terrified of stepping outside but every time I try I start having the tightening feeling in my chest and I start feeling dizzy and scared to move. I've literally have run back in the house. The people who have seen me do this probably thought there was a murderer right in front of me and I was trying to escape certain death. To be honest, it did feel like I was trying to do so.
The therapist's office and the psychiatrist office haven't called me yet. I'm waiting... waiting... waiting. I don't answer the phone anymore. I let the answering machine pick it up. I'm too worried about who could be on the other end or what's going to be said. I panic when I call my best friend anymore and I've been known to just listen to them leave the message and never call them back unless Brett makes me.
I want out. I want to escape. And instead of escaping, I've trapped myself.
I'm scared of being alone or feeling like I'm alone, yet who is around me? The only people I make sure to keep around me day to day is Brett and Aurora. I'm now talking to a couple of my guy friends, Stephan and Jack. I'm talking to a couple of other ones on MySpace.
I go around on here and I lurk all the time. My avatar is rarely seen anymore other then a message here and there or a comment perhaps. There's been journal entries that I've wanted to comment but I just couldn't. I would start typing out something, then backspace, word it a different way, backspace again, criticize myself on how stupid it sounds coming from me, and leave the page with no word spoken or written.
I really need to get into this other apartment, away from other people always criticizing me. I think it's affecting me more then I know. I think it's getting to me more then I know. My Grandma set me off today and I told her we were moving in a little fit of anger. I made her cry and I'm not sorry for it. That's not me. She wouldn't stop about Tyler though. I can't stand her making me want to cut so badly and starting to scratch in the open like that. I can't stand the mind games, the fake tears, and her playing stupid about so many things. I need out. I really do.
We're turning in the application today. We're turning in the application today. We're turning in the application today. We're turning in the application today. We're turning in the application today. We're turning in the application today. There are options and I'm not trapped. There are other options and we can get out. I need to remember that.
But then I have to think about how we have basically promised to come back to this house to live. I don't want to. I don't think I can. I don't think I would be able to.
But the house is supposed to go to me and/or Aurora when something happens to Uncle Bill and mom. How can I cheat Aurora out of anything?
Brett's home. I'm going to stop this rant, even though I need to say more. But we have to get this paperwork done. We have to get it filled out. We have to turn it in today!
I'm excited because once we do get into the apartment, I'll be able to start cooking again. I can lose weight even eating pumpkin pies when I'm in my own little place with a Brett Brett!
Yummy!
I can't wait! You wanna come over?
When! When! When?
13:48 Sep 15 2008 Times Read: 1,138
I feel like I'm becoming such a slut!
Sex isn't just sex to me and I never claim to love someone I don't.
But that doesn't stop one from having or planning on having lots of sex when one's partner tells you it's okay and there are no strings attached.
I've only slept with one other guy then Brett. No, it wasn't Tommy and it was with Brett in the room.
I felt like I cheated for the longest time. I still kind of feel like but my Brett Brett is just fine with it.
Once I deal with my own jealousy and things, he'll be allowed to sleep with another girl if he wants. That's if I ever do get over my jealousy. He understands it though. He cheated on me and kept it from me for months. I have never cheated.
There's a big difference.
I don't really know for sure what the future is going to bring but what we're planning, I like. That's all I can say. I'm happy it's turning out this way, although it's scaring the crap out of me at the same time.
I will only sleep with someone else if I want to. I'm not some whore that spreads her legs to everything. I am addicted to sex insanely. But you know what? I'm so not willing to lose my Brett Brett over it, at least not willingly.
I want a girlfriend but I'm so not comfortable with myself. I don't think I ever will be. Now if I could just stop myself from running away.
I don't want to have sex with Courtney. I don't want to lose her friendship, ever. If there wasn't the risk of losing her friendship then yeah I would probably have already done it by now.
I want to work on my confidence again. I need it back. I had some in Nashville, then we moved here to Ohio and it disappeared. I don't really know how to bring it back.
I know I'm losing weight again which makes me really happy! I'm down to 236.5 pounds. Now if it would just keep going down.
The bad thing is it isn't a healthy weight loss. I've been forgetting to eat most days and until we get to another apartment, I can't really adjust my diet and everything else.
I'm going to go back on the bland diet as boring and tasteless as it is. My stomach feels so much better when I do it. My energy comes back and I feel better.
I can't wait to start cooking again!
We're handing in our application back in today. Brett's getting off work at 2:30 just so he can come home early and we can hand it in before the office closes. I want to go with him but I don't think I could go by myself.
Yesterday, I freaked out while driving. We were going to a friend's old apartment to get the rest of his things that he had given to us... it was storming and the wind was so insane that it was moving the car... I panicked. I couldn't help it. I almost wrecked but at least Aurora wasn't with me.
I drove because I had to. I wouldn't have gone otherwise.
But the weekend is finally over. I don't think I've ever been that nervous and anxious.
I'm still worried and wondering when Brett and I will get into the apartment. I know it's going to take us like a month to get settled completely. And we still need to get a couple of baby gates.
I know what I want... now it's just the question of whether or not I'll get it and if I can stand myself if I do.
I'm being selfish for once and I find it hard to believe everything will be fine.
One a good note though, Brett and I are working on getting me to stop binge eating. I've gotten lots more sex since yesterday evening and a lot more attention. Brett and I are talking a lot about everything. I'm planning on really starting to pack today and we're going to try to find a notary for our paperwork.
And I think I've decided that I'm willing to risk my heart with him again. I mean I believe Brett when he says he loves me now. It feels great.
Now to get to bed since I got to get up at 9 a.m. to start getting things done.
Tiffy I love you, you're awesome and have always been loved by him.
and for some reason I really have to gloat about this.. but I finished Breaking Dawn in 10.5 hours.
Ahhh!
19:55 Sep 12 2008 Times Read: 1,155
I wish I could think objectively about my thoughts right now. I wish I could talk to Brett. He's thinking of working late and debating about leaving on time. I want to cut and I hate being alone when I feel like this. I really, really do. I'm so confused about what I feel with our conversation last night... I don't know how to comprehend or deal with any of it. I'm so tempted to take. I huge part of me wants to but then there's that side of me that terrified it would end things with Brett and me and I defiantly don't want that.
I want to talk to him right now. He just called me. He knows I want to cut. He asked me if I cared whether he made his hours this week or not... honestly, I don't care because it's on him. I know what I want right now and that's for him to be home. I can't stand myself. I feel guilty. Hell, I'm even dwelling on my dad's death right now. I just want him home.
I can't talk to anyone in my family about the deal because none of them would know. I would try to keep it from everyone in this community. I don't even know how I would try to cover it all over but I would try. It might drive me insane but I know I'm about to just say yes, I want to try it out. I think it could honestly work. It just depends on how the rules are laid down. It depends on me. It depends on Brett. It depends on the people involved in the mess.
Wow, if I had the carseat, I would call Meezy and see if he could send someone to pick me up and rant to him about it all. I'm already to Brett some about things from my end. I feel like I've broken my word already. Things I do for friends!
I can't believe I'm considering the deal Brett gave me at like 1:30 a.m. when we were trying to get to bed. Damn anxiety from the unknown!
I can't believe I'm thinking about it though. I really can't. I don't even know such a thing would work. I feel scared to even take it. I feel like I'm going to pee my pants if I say yes, and have a huge "what if" stamped on the inside of eyelids if I don't take it.
But it feels like a trap. Brett's right, I want it though. Damn him for not really caring whether I take it or not!
So we're planning on moving. Why? Because we're becoming so late on bills and tension is building between Brett and I. We don't have enough money to cover everything right now.
Here's what we've been paying for the past year:
$500 - Rent
$300 - Car Payment
$150 - Car Insurance
$40 - Phone Bill
$50 - My Loan We've Been Paying For Four Months Now
Plus gas runs us now $60 every two weeks since I have psychical therapy three times a week, add another $10-$15 when I have doctor appointments.
Diapers - $20
Baby Wipes - $15
Can't miss out on getting those. I'm sorry I don't like the cloth diapers, and I never have.
That's $1040 before gas, diapers, and wipes are added in. With those it's $1135.
Now Brett makes $6.55 base pay, with a $2/hour bonus when he reaches his hours of forty. If he does that, it brings in about $560 every two weeks with taxes being taken out. That's $1120 every month.
Something has got to give, correct?
The stress is getting to us and I honestly think it was a mistake to come back to Ohio. We should have just "toughed" it out in Nashville. But we didn't and we have no money to save up since we have less coming in then what is necessary to pay.
I'm usually good with the bills. That's when I have money to pay them with. I paid everything on time in Nashville plus put aside money for me and Brett to spend as extra. He doesn't like saving money and that bothers me insanely, but oh well.
We don't like living on the other side of the duplex with my mom and more importantly her new husband and my grandmother.
It feels like we're paying them to be our babysitters. They know when we go to bed, when we leave, when we come home, and what's going on for the most part. It's insane. On top of that, my mom's new husband is racist. I wasn't allowed having my biracial or black friends here. They had a fight and my mom got him to compromise to one black/biracial friend at a time. What the hell? Whether it's your property or not, I'm paying to live here and it gives me the privilege of having who I want over, here.
On top of that, I'm not allowed having a girlfriend under this roof either. Nice, huh? I'm supposed to suppress who I am just to satisfy my mother and her new husband.
When we had them come and get us from Nashville, they never said we would have to pay them back. Yet, when we got our income tax back, we paid him $3,000 that we would be living off of right now.
I would have never come up here if I knew it was going to be like this. We have no rights here.
So what are we doing? We're moving to a low-income apartment complex. It's better then living here. Yeah, there are drugs up there but across the street here there is a bar and also a nice house full of pill poppers that do other things too. Yeah, there are shots fired up there from time to time. But as long as you mind your own business and don't talk to the cops, you're fine. No one likes a snitch and neither do I even though at times you have to be a snitch. It just depends on the situation.
I'll probably get paranoid, I know I will. But we do know people up there. I know if I do get paranoia, I can call Meezy and he will come right over to keep me company. I can always call my sister's ex-boyfriend, Chad too. If Billy's still up there, I can get him to teach me to play my guitar and my bass too. Woohoo!
I just need out of here. I'm starting to think they have the place bugged. That's so not good.
There are going to be at least ten people ahead of us on the list. We're handing the papers in on Monday. We have to get papers notarized and Brett has to fill out some things too. I have the rest of the application done.
I'm starting to pack things. I'm looking forward to Brett and I having our own place again.
We have to pay our phone bill today since it's going to get shut off tomorrow if we don't. He got an extension on his car payment since we're going to be moving. And we have to pay the car insurance yet.
*sighs* I think next month, if we're moved into the new apartment... I might be able to catch my breath for the first time since before Brett got laid off from Dell.
We only have to pay 30% of Brett's income before taxes a month, it includes all utilities except phone and cable.
He makes a gross pay of $1368 so 30% of that would be $410.40. It will let us have about $100 extra every month, even after gas, diapers, and baby wipes. He's also going to talk to his car payment company to see if he can get it adjusted some to make smaller payments since he's no longer working at Dell.
There's no news about the AT&T call center yet. The first class filled up. The next one isn't until November. If Brett doesn't get into that one, he's possibly leaving the place he's at now and going to a different one and applying to AT&T in six months. Especially if our friend, Chris is a manager by then since they're pulling people from the first class and training them to be managers.
I think everything is going to work out in the end. I really do.
We will make it... If they are like the welfare then they won't include the 2 dollar an hour bonus because it is inconsistent. The same thing with my commission... That is one reason I really don't care about the commission. And on October 1 I am calling AT&T to see if they have any ideas about the other class... As for the moving and the drugs and shootings up at JayCee's, Canterchase wasn't any better it just wasn't publicized. We will struggle for the first couple of months but then it will get better. We wont be right next to the grocery store....
16:05 Sep 11 2008 Times Read: 1,181
One of my favorite songs that Fester, one of our friends from Brett's job corps downloaded for Dani and me. I still listen to this song all the time. It helps a lot when I'm feeling really bad and no one is around.
I can't believe I just told my mom and her husband that Brett and I are planning on moving out and got the application for the apartment yesterday!
Brett and I were supposed to let my mom know together after we handed in the application...
We were supposed to do it together!
But the opportunity came up and before I thought about it, I just said it.
God, I feel like I'm going insane right now. I can feel my stomach producing acid and it starting to come up my throat.
I hate my stomach being in my chest so flippin' much!
They're telling me I need to apply for SSI when I start seeing my therapist and psychiatrist. I don't know if I will or not. But if I do, I don't really care for them to know. I want to see how the medicine helps me before I really think about it.
But my mom is going to get me boxes so we can move!
It's bothering me though... they're not mad, per say... but they're doing the oh so worse to a Tiffy "I knew it and I told you before, you should have knew I was right" thing.
I'm think about calling the crisis line that my therapy covers but I get to go get Brett in about two hours.
I think I can make that. I'll go get the cat if I have to and talk to her. She's feeling lonely.
Brett's asking his family for money so we can have money to do this. Chris said he would help get us moved... we just have to cover the gas. That's all.
I feel like puking. I'm getting off of my journal, I'll write more later.
You know, sometimes it's funny to look back at all the little foolish crushes you have growing up. I had a few, like all girls, of course. This guy would have to be the memorable one...
We knew him as Tad. That's still what I call him. I knew since we were in grade school together. We were in the same little town and went to the same school. We rode the bus together for the longest time. We were even in the same classes.
I remember him being sick in fourth grade in Mrs. Ray's class. He went to sneeze and blew snot everywhere and I helped him "cover it up" before anyone noticed.
Haha! I worshiped him! He could draw fantastically! And his personality always blew me away.
I would always refuse to do my homework just so I would get detention so I could spend time with him. We were obsessed with Titanic at one point too where we were working on a play about it together. Plus he was teaching me how to draw and shade. I remember how we would tape a drawing under the other's desk so it seemed like we pulled it out without getting in trouble. He would draw the pictures of everything and anything and I would shade and color them. It was great!
At the end of sixth grade though, his mother made him leave my school. We lost contact for the most part...
Then I started seeing him again when I was a senior. He had come out as being bisexual but leaning more towards guys. He even got to come to my school's prom with his boyfriend, Seth, at the time.
After that and before high school ended, he came out as being gay. He was a male slut but a good one at that. I remember joking with him about me going to lose my virginity to him! LOL!
Then one day, it changed yet again. We graduated and he moved away. Then I dropped out of college and moved to Nashville, TN. Once I moved back though, I didn't live in the same little town. I live somewhere else now. So I don't get to see him when he visits or anything like that...
But I have a picture of him somewhere upstairs of him in fourth grade. He had a mullet and the big thick welfare glasses.
Here is a picture of him now... he's changed a lot! But I still think, in a way he's awesomely cute!
Yesterday, when Brett, Aurora, and I visited my Aunt Gina, she gave me a sliding tile game called 15 Puzzle.
I've had tile games like this before when I was little but always of an image, not with numbers. The patterns you can come up with are endless.
So far I've gotten all six on the back of the package without help, that includes 1-15, 15-1, Vertical Numbers, Skip Odd to Even, Vertical Odd/Even, and Skip Odd/Even.
I've also figured out a way to make a four and an "A" using the color difference they have (white and red).
It's calming my nerves some. I'm happy about that. It's killing time and it's a challenge. I like it. I can't thank for enough for it, that's for sure.
Thank you, Aunt Gina for everything! It means a lot!
So many things to do... We're preparing for the worse, and I'm preparing for a war. I talked to my mother last night. It seems like she didn't hear a word I said or even wanted to. Maybe if we go to move out one day, she'll be willing to listen. I tried getting my point across though. I really did. I have to wait until Monday for when I can do anything though. It's the day Brett works evening shift because of my therapy appointment. It's when we can call people, hand in applications and paperwork, and get another application we're wanting to pick up. I'm waiting for a message from someone on MySpace, just waiting to get his number, talk to him, and possibly go and see him sometime soon. I miss him lots. He never did give me his new cell number even though he told me he would. Hmm... Gotta wonder where all of this is going to lead. I'm just hoping it doesn't break the bond between my mother and me. I really don't want that to happen. But if it does, I'm just going to have to cut my losses and run, huh? It seems like the best plan to anyone.
I'm going to get off of here and get cleaning before Aurora wakes her monkey butt up.
And OH NO!!! *runs run the huge, godzilla sized monkey butt* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
08:04 Sep 04 2008 Times Read: 1,249
What happened this time?
I turned a somewhat bad day into a great one and when we came home I couldn't stop smiling.
Then the comment came and it hit me. Uncle Bill asking about the rent. You know, I rather wish he wasn't my step-father. I call him my mother's husband. It's like I can't bring myself to even call him my step-father or come to terms with it.
But anyway, it came. We owe him this month's rent, like we would never remember that we do. A whole $500 that I don't know where is going to come from.
It's supposed to be only $350 starting this month and we get the electricity and gas in our names. I don't know what happened with that.
If we had the money, we would pay him.
But it gets to me... we haven't had a kitchen for 2 1/2 months and we're still paying rent. Why? Because he's married to my mother and I don't want to make her upset. I basically have no backbone with it.
But what's bothering me today and tonight is that when my sister had Tyler and needed somewhere, my mom took her in and bought everything for her, made excuses for her to always be on the run, and even when she blew her money on something else.
I don't get that. Never me. I'm always the one left struggling. Sure, they came to Nashville to get me, Brett, Aurora and our things. But we've paid them back the $3,000 something dollars and owe him $280 more on it.
I always have to pay.
I'm tired of it. I think I'm going to ask Brett to be coherent in the morning just so I can drop a little bit of a bomb. I think I'm going to tell my mom I'm thinking about moving out and my thoughts about the kitchen.
Sure, she's going to bring up that he's put over blah money into this side and he doesn't have to fix it up. Well, if it wasn't for us, he would be fixing it to rent it out to someone else. I'm sure of it.
He stresses me out though. He makes me feel like I'm not even good enough to be considered my mother's daughter.
Hell, I'm afraid to tell my mother that I think I might be pregnant because of what he might say and I would rather deal with the dilemma on my own.
I've been binge eating again and worse, hiding it from Brett. I never hide things from him, ever. My mother's husband always makes comments on my weight and everything else I do. Hell, the fact that I don't have a job right now because of my anxiety and paranoia is wrong. Even though I panic every time I step outside on the porch or sidewalk. I feel like locking myself away anymore.
I want to cut. I can't sleep even though I've been trying. I feel horrible because of all the masks I wear around everyone.
I want to be able to be me again.
How do I even begin to do that though?
I see my therapist on Monday. I'm not so happy that it's a male but I'll make do or try to anyway. I need to see someone and I know that for sure.
How the heck am I supposed to be able to talk to him about my past, about being addicted to sex and using it or masturbation as an escape because I want to cut, about my nightmares of who I'm really not, about thoughts of suicide that I have, about my binge eating when I can't even talk to Brett about it, about the relapses Brett or no one knows about, the situation with my family, the madness of my paranoia right now or worse yet my nervousness to leave the house.
How do I even begin to explain these things?
I just want to disappear. I don't want to be involved with anyone at all right now. I don't deserve even knowing them. I shouldn't be a daughter, a mother, a partner, a friend, or anything... Sometimes I doubt if I should even exist or if that's all I do... just exist and don't even live anymore.
I just want to bail on this area. I don't want to be in Ohio anymore. I don't have the money to get out. Or the upbringing that has taught me to ask for help. Brett said before if I think it will help, he'll get the money... even if he has to ask his family for it. I don't want that. It's bad enough I've borrowed off my family to make ends meet sometimes.
I get my hopes up and I get to a point where I'm looking to the future and then I'm slammed into the past and present.
I haven't felt like getting online. But he's gone. My brat is gone. His mother came and took him.
She never had any intention of moving up here. Even though she had my mom send her money, my mom's husband make arrangements to come and get her, and enrolled her son in school up here!
What the fuck! I can't even comprehend all of what has happened. The only thing I can say is right now I feel empty.
I'm expecting him to come through my door in a couple of hours to tell me that he's home so I can go and help him with his homework.
The only thing I'm sure of is that I hate her even more. I've hated her for the longest time now. I still have grudges against her. I think this has hurt more then anything.
I'm getting back off of here. I can't stop crying while trying to type my thoughts out. I'll get to it eventually.
If you know my number and need to talk to me, call me and leave me a message. If I'm awake or home, I'll answer.
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